The 'Allah' Issue

So Malaysia is now abuzz with the hoo-haa of certain extremists claiming the word 'Allah' and several other 'Malay' words strongly belonging and exclusive to the Malay race.

It came to a point that I am no longer angered to see my mother tongue that is as old as 10 000 years old being claimed by a civilization that was merely a farming community still in the 1900's, which coincidentally had solid proof of having Indian and Chinese merchants coming to their straits and introduce the art of trade and business, subsequently - Islam and basically formed a proper civilization.

I think a 'thank you' is long overdue.

The following words are a list of banned words for non-Muslims.

I can vouch on my great-gandmother's grave that none of these words are 'Malay' but Arabic and Sanskrit derivations. So where, and how, did the arrogance of 'language ownage' came from?

Let me list you some words that are blatantly Sanskrit but is being used by a good vast of ignorant Malays and Malaysians. 

Putera - Puttra, literally means 'Prince' or 'Son' and the exact meaning is still used by Malays today.

Puteri - Puttri, literally means 'Princess' or 'Daughter', the exact meaning maintained.

Bumiputera - Bhoomi, literally means 'earth' or 'world' and Putera as mentioned above, son or prince. Put together? Sons of Earth. 

Jaya - Success, literal meaning maintained.

Putrajaya - Puttra - son, Jaya - success. Put together? Victorious Princes.

Dosa - dhosham, literal meaning maintained.

Derma - Dharma, literal meaning maintained.

Raja - exact meaning 'King'. How should I address my sovereign now since the government claimed this word exclusive to the main religion?

Rani - exact meaning - Queen. So is 'Permaisuri', in Sanskrit it is 'Parmaisuri".

Menteri - Mandhiri. Exact meaning maintained.

Perdana - Pardana, meaning 'Prime'. Therefore, Perdana Menteri is literally a romanized Sanskrit term.

Warna - Varna, meaning mainatained, which is 'colour'.

Wakil - Vakkill, meaning maintained, which is 'representative', now it is a common term for 'lawyer' in Tamil. Tamils still use this word till today.

Rahsia - Ragasiam or Ragashyiam, exact meaning maintained, which is 'secret'.

Aniaya - this exact word is used in Tamil which bears the same meaning - 'to inflict cruelty".

Asrama - Ashram, exact meaning maintained - 'hostel'.

Samudera - samudra, exact meaning maintained - "the ocean".

If I keep listing them all, this blog post would be obscenely long therefore have a look at this comprehensive list of Sanskrit words that were borrowed by the Malays. Also, there are words borrowed from English, Arabic, Chinese and other Eastern languages. Malay is basically a mish-mash of borrowed languages. But certain people became insecure that their identity was 'inherited' from other cultures. What is there to be embarrassed about? The fact that you are still living today carrying on the legacy of an ancient language where the inventors and people of the language themselves have long been extinct, signifies how much we have come far as a society, the influence of the language on a global level and how we are the living proof that certain old things from ancient times perseveres till modern age is a miracle in itself.

Why are we not seeing it this way? Why such burning insecurity that marginalization as a form of self-validation was opted instead? 

The story of Hang Tuah and his brothers were removed from History textbooks when it was revealed that he was of Chinese descent and not Malay, like the erroneously long held belief. But the thing is, he was part of the entourage that escorted the Princess Hang Li Po from China, and her five escorts comprised of five brothers whose names starts with Hang coincidentally...how was that not clue enough that he was Chinese? Hang Li Po could very well be their sister! 

Parameswara was Indian prince who allegedly converted to Islam from his marriage to a Persian princess so...his descendants have Indian blood, no?

If we could stop altering history as we see fit, that'll be great.

To be frankly honest in the most brutal way, Malays did not even have a culture until the arrival of the Indians and Chinese merchants some few hundred years ago. I can't give you the exact date because it happened so that along our course of Malaysian history, many things have been changed, altered and destroyed to suit the tastes of certain people with superiority complex. There really is no telling when exactly did we came but the earliest record that the Malaysian historians have maintained thus far dates to 500 years. Everyone who is honest with themselves probably knows it dates WAAYYY back beyond that timeline, when Srivijaya made a stronghold in Kaddaram back in the 7th century. What is Kaddaram, you are wondering? We Malaysians know it as 'Kedah". See? Not even the names of our states are "Malay".

If you're a Malay reading this, and have been ingrained a superiority complex by irresponsible people, and you have any ounce of humility left in you, you'd be embarrassed.

But then there are several extremists who go out of the way to make Malaysia a laughing stock in the eyes of the world. Malaysia once had a slogan of 'Malaysia Boleh' it seems that now 'Malaysia Tak Boleh' is the preferred slogan, all thanks to recent events.

If renowned Muslim scholars from the Middle East themselves, where Islam was birthed, are baffled over our ruling of the usage of the Allah issue, then isn't it time to take a step back and re-evaluate this whole situation?

I have taken the liberty to attach some academic journal publications for your reading on the true history of Malaysia. If you are an extremist that prone to violence because your 'culture' is being challenged, you can turn back and bask in your own bobble of ignorance as this will definitely rattle your jimmies.

1. Malay and Javanese Loanwords in Malagay, Tagalog and Siraya (Formosa).

2. The Competition of Religious Terms in Sanskrit and Arabic in Malay         manuscript on Hindu-Buddha Transitional Period of Classical Malay Literature : Case Study Hikayat Marakarma.

3. Sanskrit Loan Words in Indonesian.

4. Indic Transformation.

5. An Inscribed Tablet from Kedah: Malaysia. Use Ctrl+F and key in Sanskrit. 

6. The Extent of the Influence of Tamil on the Malay Language.

7. The Jawi Writing System and Vocabulary.

8. Unveiling Secrets of the Past.

Back in the times of my parents and grandparents, this was never an issue.

Never. 

My parents and grandparents would recall fondly how the Malays, Chinese and Indians were so comfortably united because of their difference, the closeness of friendship among all the races. Racial slurs and tensions were unheard of.

It is sad that Malaysia was once a proud example of racial unity, envied by many and even lauded for our miracle of staying in one piece because of our racial differences. 

What the hell happened to us along the way? 

Japanese Fitness App Insults You While You Work Out.

Those who know me well know of my absolute love for anime and manga. No, not Japan. I do not agree with some of their cultural practices but I do love them for their anime and manga. That's where I draw my line. Visiting the Akibahara one day is sort of a daydream of mine.

But Japan has some appalling weaknesses - treatment of women especially. Many women are choosing the single life over marriage because they lose their worth as a person after getting married and is expected to serve her husband and his family. Not much different from my own South Indian culture.

Meet Nensho! For Girls. The original version was intended for as a fitness app for guys with pretty cutesy girls cheering him on as he works out. So the female counterpart was released. With macabre intentions in mind.

What better to lose weight fast than a bunch of good looking anime boys insults you with fat-phobic slurs and ultimately falls in love with you after you lose your target weight? Why is that the masculine app of this has positive reinforcements in the form of cutesy animated girls being supportive but the feminine app form has abusive underpinnings? What kind of Scumbag Steve are you conditioning your Japanese girls to see as the ideal boyfriend archetype? A pretty looking boy who insults you into thinness, but excused because he's beautifully animated? How does this even remotely make sense? 

Here's a sample of the audio available in the app:

“Hey, fattie,”

“You do know there’s a limit to being well-rounded, don’t you?”

Eating disorders is on the alarming rise in Japan among the females, of all ages, some start as young as 12. 

This would end only in disaster when it comes to their mental health. In a circuitous perception, you would condition girls to believe from a very young age their most important asset is their bodies (Brumberg, 1997). 

Does fat-phobic mainstream products really need to be conjured to further deteriorate your girls' mental health?? Or is the government propagating this eating disorder as a method to consolidate their anti-obesity campaign? Dreadful.

To think that back in Heian-era, a fat woman was considered a beautiful woman. Just read Genji Monogatari, which was written in the Heian-era, it describes women with with apple-plump cheeks and large build as 'beautiful' because it was a sign of health.

I am not here to propagate fatness, I am merely saying it is never right to criminalize one's weight using societal standards as an excuse.

This is truly disappointing. Well, I guess right and wrong is exclusive to culture. Just hope they don't extend that to outside. But given how ethnocentric Japan is, that is highly unlikely.

Nensho! For Girls - (Source)
Cited chapter in the book - The Body's New Timetable, (Brumberg, 1997)

My Reaction to Mandy Du's article in The Real Singapore.

Once in a while, you are slapped with the reality that although the women you hang out with generally have good head on their shoulders when it comes to settling down, out of the blue, you get thrown in gems like Mandy Du, who is absolutely clear that she wants to marry a robot.

I seriously hope to God she meant this piece to be a satire because some parts clearly leans towards that way. Or at least it appears to lean towards satire. I don't know - the more I read, the more I am convinced that Ms.Du is earnest in her convictions.

Be warned though, by the end of that sparkling gem of a writing, you might end up like this:

Let's analyze her writing chronogically. Not all would be quoted here, just some that is worth mentioning the reaction I had since I believe I speak for everyone as we all read her eloquent dating resume.

"Guys who send me a FB friend request must be itching to talk to me every minute of every day. That is a sign that he is really interested in me. Anything less than that, don't waste my time. I have better things to do."

Are you like, on the perception that you're a real catch?

"If you are contacting me from interstate or overseas, please make sure you are wealthy enough to fly to Perth to meet me in person (if we have chemistry). I am not willing to travel to other states or countries on the principle that a girl shouldn't have to go the distance for a guy."

"I don't like or love people easily but if I like you, then obviously you must be special. But you have to try your very hardest for me to like or love you. I get upset easily and I have a big temper. When I'm angry, I am more vicious than a pack of hungry wolves. So I suggest you don't go there. But if you don't believe me, I dare you to try."

Excuse me, my brain just bled a little.

"I have very expensive taste and I enjoy the finer things in life. I am not a simple girl with simple tastes. I simply refuse to have a boring housewife life where I just manage the home and take care of the kids and not have a life of my own. I want a guy who will provide me with an extravagant lifestyle- he must be able to take me on expensive cruises and holidays and stay at 5 star hotels and dine at the finest restaurants and take me on shopping sprees. I want a guy who treats me like a princess all the time."

Pretty sure this how most gentlemen readers of this article looked like.

"I am a genuine and a nice person. I am thoughtful, sweet and understanding. I will go out of my way to make my boyfriend/husband happy (if he makes me happy)."

Are you sure Ms.Du? Are you really sure?

"I don't have a model figure nor am I super skinny. I don’t aspire to be like models because I am comfortable in my own skin and I like the way I am. Anyone telling me differently will get an earful of my cussing. I believe every girl is beautiful whether they’re a size 6 or 16. If you're purely after looks and if you want a slim girl I'm not it. That is a physical relationship. I don't do physical relationships because I think it's truly revolting to like someone based on looks."

I take that you look something like this then.

"I don't like dogs. I hate living with them. So if I ever get to a point where I am living with a guy and he has a dog/dogs, it or they are going to have to go. If you choose a dog over me, well firstly you're dumb enough to let a great girl go and secondly, you will never get me back so you might as well marry your dog."

"I do not believe in pre-nuptial agreements. And I will not sign one when I am about to get married. I stick by : "What's mine is mine and what's your's is mine too".

""I will not tolerate guys talking back to me or trying to win arguments. That isn’t going to work. I like having the last word. If you think you simply can’t resist snapping back at me, well….there’s the trash can and you can go sit in it."

"Hmm, let's see....I have a pretty long list but essentially I want a boyfriend who will potentially become a husband. He must be good-looking (or at least decent-looking), clean, hygenic, caring, generous, loyal and faithful. He must be patient, tolerant, kind, honest, trusting, gentle and respectful. He must also be hard-working and committed and dedicated to building a future with me and giving me a luxurious comfortable life."

You want to be the on the receiving end only and not reciprocate?

Good luck, madam.

"I will not entertain sleazy guys, rude idiots or guys that are full of themselves. There's a fine line between self-confidence and arrogance."

She haven't listened to herself speak, has she?

"I want a guy free from his past relationships and ready to commit to me and me only. His relationship history must be exactly that: history. He must not linger on thoughts and feelings for this past girlfriends. Make sure you completely get over them first. He must only have eyes and the heart for me. I will not settle for less."

She thinks the universe revolves around her!

""I want a guy who will financially provide for me. And I must be able to choose if I want to work or not. A genuinely nice guy will give me that freedom of choice. And if I work, I should get to keep what I earn all to myself. If you're scared of that, then you're not the guy for me and you should probably bugger off right about now."

Somewhere, far away in the glen, a guy breathes a sigh of relief.

"Sounds good to me!" he says as he saunters off in a field of daisies.

"I'll tell you upfront that I am looking for a rich guy. He must be financially able to pay for EVERYTHING- bills, petrol, groceries, mortgage, kids, wedding, honeymoon, etc...and I should not have to pitch in a single cent. I am NOT paying for anything. With me, there is no such thing as ‘going halves’, ‘you pay this, I pay that’ or 'let's split the expenses'- none of that nonsense. I believe the guy pays for everything and I am never backing down from that ever. If that doesn’t suit you, don’t click the ‘contact’ button. It’s simple. I was raised in a very Asian culture and this concept of halving household bills and stuff is unheard of and I am not about to start that ridiculous trend."

"I want a guy who buys me gifts, lots of gifts such as expensive jewellery, perfumes, clothes, surprise getaways, takes me out to fancy dinners and balls and is always willing to go to the ends of the earth to make sure I stay happy all the time."

"He also must not go to pubs and clubs at all- I absolutely forbid it and he must not contact or go out with female friends. I don’t have any friends who are guys and I want a guy who doesn’t have any female friends either. If you want to keep them, don’t contact me. He absolutely must not be into disgusting things like pornography."

"Also, with all due respect, please don't contact me if you are physically disabled in any shape or form. Frankly I don’t want to spend the rest of my precious life nursing a man child with a condition."

If anyone needs a nursing, it's Ms. Du's ego.

"I must be number 1 in your life. I must come before anything and anyone else. I will not accept anything less. I must always be a priority. I will not take the back seat. If you think you’re going to struggle putting me number one, I won’t be interested in talking to you. Guys with exes who are still tagging along, with children, divorced, separated, going through divorce or separation- please don’t contact me at all."

With that attitude, fat chance.

" And I can tell what kind of personality you have just by looking at your FB account details."

To be fair, everything that you have written in that article of yours speaks volumes about you.

That last bit was actually written in the earlier part of her piece but I thought I'd keep the best for the last.

Cotton House Store: 12-set Aluminium Crochet Hook Set

So, I bought a 3.5mm crochet hook set as a starter to practice my crochet skills and wrote a review of the store I bought it from. I did tell you that I was very happy with their service so this time I saved up a lil' and bought the entire crochet hook set, that comprises of crochet hooks from various sizes.

Yet again, I am very happy with their services. They also sell crochet hook sets made from aluminium, plastic, bamboo (I was tempted to buy this set actually because I like wooden products but they would get 'eaten' with age and would not be kind on the yarn fabric so with heavy heart I had to change my mind) and acrylic.

Here are some pictures to show you what an aluminium crochet hook set - the one that I bought - looks like.

The package.

The content. Guess which one contains the crochet hook.

That's right! The brown one!

*gets slapped for bad joke*

*Jaws theme music at the background*

Ta-da! Look at all the pretty colours.

If you want to know how long, and the thickness of those hooks are, 

I am going to use my own hands as a measurement comparison. 

My hands are quite big, you see - about 20cm.

The smallest of the crochet hook set, 2mm.

To the touch it was extremely fragile and delicate. If handle roughly it will snap into two.

 

The largest hook of the set, 8mm. This was very comfortable to hold in my very big hands. Crochet hook from the size 6mm onwards was held very cozily in my hands.

To be honest, my mother was more happy than me to receive this package and insisted that I open it before her 'cause she wants to see it. Macam budak kecik. XD

Peace out.

Swamiji's and Guruji's Exploitations.

I am extremely angered by all the quack Hindu holy men that are recently sprouting by the dozen in Malaysia. It signifies a decay in religion and most of all - intelligence. I am at a loss of words at how some people can be so stupid as to believe some random guy who claims to be a representative of God and heaven forbid, some enlightened yogi or Guruji. These are holy titles you EARN by years of obeisance, prayers and other religious ritualistic procedures. They are not achieved by merely dressing up and sitting solemnly on a badly photoshopped lotus flowers and halo background.

Fie upon you.

I literally had to stop to take a breather whilst writing this piece because I am absolutely LIVID.

A) First of all, let me educate you a little bit about cults.

1. What is a cult?

A system of religious veneration and devotion directed toward a particular figure or object - Google Search.
Cue: Look at the joker in the picture above.

2. What are the characteristics of cults?

a) The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and members (for example: the leader is considered the Messiah or an avatar; the group and/or the leader has a special mission to save humanity).
Check.

b) The group is preoccupied with making money.
I heard this clown charges about RM700-900 per session with him?
Check.

c) The group is focused on a living leader to whom members seem to display excessively zealous, unquestioning commitment.

Check. (just are just some of them, mind you). 

d) Mind-numbing techniques (such as meditation, chanting, speaking in tongues, denunciation sessions, debilitating work routines) are used to suppress doubts about the group and its leader(s).

"After all the insane speech, there’s come the time to eat bulb. This is the time where I realized he is using black magic. How? Around 20 people each time were asked to stand and u needs to look into his eyes while your mind should need to focus in your throat. Then he starts to mumble some mantras and suddenly I could felt something pass through my throat (it’s like air pass through). Once he completes doing that with everyone, now everyone is ready to eat the bulb (just a very tiny piece of broken bulb). I’m not sure it is a black magic or he plays with our mind set. After that he teaches on how to do meditation daily and how this meditation can make you to communicate with him indirectly".

Excerpt taken from Maire1.com - Bulb Eating Cults.

Check.

c) The leadership induces guilt feelings in members in order to control them/ questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.

"those who believe him will succeed everything in their life but those who don’t they will be worst and never succeed anything”.

Excerpt taken from Maire1.com - Bulb Eating Cults. 

Check.

d) Is hypersensitive to how he is seen or perceived by others.(updated 20/12/2013)

Remember the dude sitting on the lotus flower? 

The ones one the left are his goons.

Check.

e) The guru is worshipped, rather than the principles or doctrines

Need I say more?

~*~

B) Now let me give a quick tour of what it means to be a holy religious person and the characters of ACTUAL yogis and gurujis and swamijis. 

a) They both have very little ego. This means that they do not identify themselves with their five senses, mind and intellect but with the soul (ātmā), that is the God within.

Seeing how this Guruji requires his followers to revere him like God himself, I don't think he passed the No-Ego test. He calls HIMSELF God so the whole thing about finding your inner God thing is non-present as well. 

b)  He himself practices the spiritual truth and explains the spiritual practices to the devotees by setting an example and explaining to them the practices in detail. He is content with the income as though it is a blessing from divine. Such a true guru can confer the true knowledge.

You hear that? Conversations with you is his income! He doesn't need your dime! 

c) A true Guru is not attracted by opposite sex and is beyond the weakness for money. He doesn’t expect anything of anybody.

DING-DING-DING-DING!!! What did I say?? 

d) He is steadfast in his devotion, he meticulously follows the spiritual injunction in all details, abides in his SELF, is never insincere, he doesn’t desire worldly wealth.

Read the last part, over and over again - DOESN'T DESIRE WORLDLY WEALTH.

c) He should not be short tempered, overconfident of his disciples, boastful of himself and jealous of others

The key word here is 'overconfident' and 'boastful'. Our local clown passes this with stellar qualifications. 

d) Does not present himself or herself overly fashionably and glamorously.

 

Cue: maniacal desperate laughter. 

Just read this article - it has a succinct information on what quack holy men comprises of. Our Guruji passed this test, again, with flying colours. 

GOD it is good being a psychology student.You are exposed to ways of the world, however on the surface.

Now do you see? You lot who follow this conmen are being bamboozled, robbed in daylight and being made a sap out of you simple folks. He is taking advantage of the very aspect that is deep rooted in most Indians - religiousness. These clowns know that when it comes to religion most Indians are not discriminatory hence this well thought out, large-scale organized crime that sucks your money. I have heard that the followers of this cult have resorted to borrowing money from others to receive blessings and prasadham's.

I facepalmed so hard at all these bullfuckery that my face is swollen. True holy men are those who have absolved all material possessions and even absolved the lust to own material possessions. They voluntarily reject all worldly lusts and possessions living with minimal, basic needs. True holy men would not ask for your money for you to earn his blessings - they would give it to you for free. All you have to do is talk to true holy men a lil' and ask for spiritual strength. THATS WHEN TRUE MEN WOULD GIVE YOU THEIR BLESSINGS. They wouldnt ask even a DIME from you! Just look at the points I have written in (B) and the link to the websites which I have referenced! These snakes lead a cult by duping the masses that CAN be duped.

This picture makes me extremely angry. This is the picture that catapulted me into writing this piece. I know Kali Yuga is the age of vice and evil but this just too much. That man is sitting on a pedestal and having his ego grew bigger the more people bow to his feet and sprinkle his dirty water on their heads. What kind of nonsense is this?

The unfortunate victims of these conmen mostly consist of poor Indians and lower middle class Indians who are desperate to make their ends meet. So how are they working towards it? By showering a shady character with their hard earned money hoping to give them MORE money. Excuse me but my logic has run away from all this nonsense, let me go and retrieve it back. Jokes aside, I'm sorry but you are never seeing that money again, EVER.

I hope this gets widely shared so those who know of this or even involved in this would get a real eye opener and start doing the right thing by sticking to proper religion and not because some fantastical conmen who had polished his talent for lying utilizing this despicable act for his own purposes.

~*~

References:

Characteristics of Cults

a) Characteristics of a Religious Cult
b) The False Guru Test
c) Characteristics of Dangerous Cult Leaders

Characteristics of Guru's

a) Who is a Guru?
b) Qualities of a Guru.
c) Characteristics of a Good Teacher

Cotton House Store Review

Yeap. My recent interest in knitting have led me to try crochet as well so I made some research about it, watched shitload of Youtube how-to videos on crochet and knitting and I think I would come to prefer crochet better.

I just love them pretty doilies, mmkay?

So, did you know - there are virtuously no embroidery supply shop in KL that sells yarns for cheap? Ipoh? Plenty! They have seriously good selection in the Old Town area but KL, aduih nak pengsan.

So I came across this online website - www.cottonhousestore.com.

Yeah, that's their homepage. I love the Maple Leaf logo. It reminds me of weed.

Not that I smoke that it's just something about weed that's hilarious.

Moving on.

The package.

The content. BEHOLD.

I purchased a crochet hook, size 5, the standard size for beginners I think.

I have previously purchased 100% cotton yarn from a flea market vendor. It was completely unsuitable for knitting so in order not to waste it I decided to crochet something using that yarn.

Ignore the prune fingers I just came out of shower XD

I was pleasantly surprised to find out they had enclosed samples of their wool! 

To summarize, I am darn happy with my business with them. I fully intend to purchase future supplies with them. Also they are having year end sales for their products so make sure you check 'em out. (if you are a knitter, crocheteer, that is heh).

Peace out.

Death is, But Another Life

I felt compelled to write this yet another piece on death because this is the THIRD time I am witnessing death this semester. It doesn’t help that I am seeing a string of number 4’s everyday. Which is disturbing in itself ‘cause if you’re Asian you know what the number 4 signifies in our culture. Be it Indian or Chinese, the number 4 in the Hindu religion signifies Kethu (with his/her partner Raghu) signifies death. In Cantonese, 4 is pronounced as ‘Sei’ which also means death. So it all fits. Lemme tell you about how these strings of death relate to the number 4.

First, in late September, a coursemate of mine whom I did not know existed to begin with until his death announcement on my Psych course website, passed away in a horrific motorcycle accident. Many people mourned his death. I would admit that I felt nothing because quite frankly, I did not know the guy. Why should I mourn for someone I didn’t know? Such was my twisted logic. For a week, the frenzy of his passing was all over my course. To my surprise, the deceased boy who I did not know until his death, was dearly beloved by many. Many good, praiseful things were spoken of his person. There was a small regret in my heart, that I dismissed this person not worthy of my sympathy simply because I did not know him personally. Out of morbid fascination I managed to asked a friend of his how he died. Such was my twisted mind.

I know I had a lot of growing up to do, I just didn't know that I had a lot of catching up to do when it comes to being human. My complete lack of empathy and sympathy to the woes and plight of another person who had lost their beloved is disgusting to say the least.

Then came the incident of that boy who fell from my apartment floor in a freak accident. I felt a small fraction of sympathy for this boy because I had seen him around rascalling with his fellow friends. My sister saw him hanging around with his friends the next thing she knows, quite literally a few minutes later he had apparently plunged to his death from the 5^th floor of my apartment, in front of my apartment unit. He fell straight to the ground head first resulting in a split skull and immediate on-the-spot death. Again, this sick side of me emerged. Morbid fascination, I had. How did he fall to his death? Suicide? Murder? More than feeling sorry for the boy who lost his life and those who will grieve him, I was more interested in the details of his death.

Nope, still stupid.

Then on December 1^st, I spoke to a close Facebook friend of mine. My interactions with him had been completely within the limits of Facebook, never actually met him in person. Sure, there were plans for lunch dates to discuss psychology stuff but these plans were never seen through. Work and odd hour demands happened in such a way that I wasn't able to meet him at all. Taking for granted that we will eventually meet, we kept putting off our lunch dates.

We even made tentative plans to go hiking and swimming. I made tentative plans with him to be his swimming buddy since he recently took up swimming as a part of his fitness journey and I am a pretty deft swimmer myself, thought it’ll be those funny ‘pro-swimmer vs rookie swimmer’ relationship. =’) Boy, I would be lying if I said I hadn't daydreamed about doing the Butterfly Stroke with him to challenge him! I did, I imagined my swim date with him, the two of us competing various swimming styles. I was particularly keen on doing the Butterfly Stroke with him. Now, they remain as mere daydreams.

Yes, this close Facebook friend, who was respected and loved by many due to his natural tendency to reach out to others a helping hand, passed away on Tuesday December 3^rd in a hiking accident with his hiking buddy in the notorious Bukit Tabur hiking arena. I received the news on December 4^th at mid-evening via another friend of mine who was even closer to him. My vision dissociated from the shock of it all for a moment. “Deryk has passed on”, that was the message.

I was like whut? WTF. OMFG. My mind raced on what the heck happened, that only 3 days ago he told me about how he wanted to keep an eye on an acquaintance that showed signs of suicide. Then I got the news of his death. I was numb the whole day. Sure, I managed to focus here and there but not without him on my mind the entire time, trying to get used to idea I will never have meaningful Facebook conversations with him ever again, that I can send him Facebook messages that will never get replies. Him with his dry humour. Him with his passionate and elaborate accounts of his passions. And his major crush for my friend (the one who broke the news to me). Him with his occasional rudeness. But hey, who’s perfect.

It took me the death of my friend to wake me up from my previous selfish, twisted self who reveled in someone’s death and their accounts. It took me the passing of an important person my community of friends and acquaintances to make me realize how serious the passing of a loved one can be. All those times that I reveled in someone’s death made me feel ashamed to be a human being, that to think at my age I’d have more common sense than to have childish fascination on what is clearly an issue that requires much love, understanding and empathy.

A friend had to die for me to grow up.

Maybe on a more metaphysical level, his time on earth is due but relating his death to how I have been reacting to other deaths that I have been witnessing thus far is a serious wake up call to my person, more importantly, my mental well being, or lack thereof.

Prior to the events that led to the announcement of my friend’s death, my Facebook dash was bombarded with the news of the tragic and sudden death of Paul Walker, the star of Fast and Furious franchise. Again, with morbid fascination, I weaseled on information of how he died. Never mind that million would be genuinely mourning his passing. I just wanted to know how he died. I even watched that aftermath footage of his crash that appeared shortly on my Facebook dash. With excited giddiness.

I need professional intervention.

Then came the news of the death of my friend. This had been a serious slap on the face. Truly, I have disappointed people who look up to me. I am better than this. I will be better than this.

Did I tell you that for my Philosophy of Life and Death extra credit assignment I did a short defence on Death? I even went as far as saying “perhaps people believe in the afterlife because they want the best for their loved ones, basically death of a loved one means you lose control and closeness with that person, so in an attempt to console yourself you conjure this afterlife concept and hope they are happy there”.

Just look at that ignorant statement of a bitch who hasn't lost someone dear to her until this point.

Well, I take it back. I take it all back and I stand corrected. For the sake of my friend I now believe in the afterlife and I hope he is heaven. Because god fucking dammit, I care enough for this person to wish him the best and want the best for him.

Why are all the good people dying?

R.I.P My dear friend. Till next time.